Disappointment

This past week I had a second job interview at company X. It was quite intense – the night before the six candidates including myself had a practise round and were taken out for dinner. The next morning, we had to go through a technical interview, a case study where we had 1 hour to read 22 documents and had to come up with the main issues, stakeholders, short and long-term plans and a strategic decision, and a group discussion where we represented various groups in the community and had to come up with a recommendation on how we thought company X should spend its social and charity donation money.

Anyways, I knew that I screwed up on the case study – one hour is not enough to process that much info let alone make a decision – and I may not have gone into the depth that they wanted in the interview. I knew that I could have done better, but once it was done, I was content to see what happened. In all honesty, I didn’t want the job 100% (I don’t know if I really want a job at the moment anyways) as company X is the same company my dad works for and a few other reasons, but I thought it would be nice to have the security of knowing that I have a job and company X is really a good company to work for in terms of opportunities, work environment, people and benefits.

So last night after dinner, I received this email from company X:

Dear Christine,

Thank you for your interest in pursuing a career with company X and taking the time to attend the company X Recruitment Day. We hope you found the experience to be informative and rewarding.

After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a suitable position at this time. As you are most likely making important career decisions at this time, we wanted to share our decision with you as soon as possible.

Kind Regards,

Company X

I was really disappointed. I know, I didn’t really want the job, so I should be happy that I wasn’t in a position that I didn’t really want. (We all know how well my internship went.) BUT it all had to come down as personal failure.

I know “we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a suitable position at this time” could mean what it says – they had no positions in the areas I was interested in. However, I do know that they said that they would send out a similar email if you didn’t score high enough on the company X Recruitment Day activities. So does that mean I failed it? If I didn’t pass this one, what’s to say that I would pass another company’s rounds of interviewing? I’d like to think that I am a fairly smart person as I did very well in school and that I’m personable and overall a desirable employee, but apparently not. So, I’m more disappointed in myself than in not getting the job.

Of course, for me, this leads to all types of catastrophic thinking – what if I’m not supposed to be an engineer? What if I’m supposed to do something else?  But then I ask myself and God: “Why the heck did you make me so smart and able to do this engineering thing if I’m never going to use it?!” Don’t get me wrong, I know that you have to be intelligent and generally with it to do well in things like photography or baking, but it’s a different kind of smartness than getting a 3.8/4.0 GPA in your final year of engineering.

I know logically just because I didn’t get the job in my first go at interviewing since I started looking for jobs mid September, but I feel like I should have gotten it even just to prove to myself that I’m worthwhile and desirable. I know that God is most likely using this situation so that I can become aware of and work on changing my poor attitudes towards getting a job. I know this is a case where I should define my identity based on what God thinks of me and not on my behaviour or performance. I know I should be glad that I’m not getting into anything that I may not like in the end. I know that it means that when I get a job people will know me for me, not my dad. I know that in this market I should be happy that I’ve had a job interview especially since I really haven’t been looking that hard. But why do I feel like I’m a personal failure because of this?

I guess on the bright side I don’t have to worry about not being able to go to counselling or my next photography class because of work.

How do you deal with personal disappointments?