This past week I had a second job interview at company X. It was quite intense – the night before the six candidates including myself had a practise round and were taken out for dinner. The next morning, we had to go through a technical interview, a case study where we had 1 hour to read 22 documents and had to come up with the main issues, stakeholders, short and long-term plans and a strategic decision, and a group discussion where we represented various groups in the community and had to come up with a recommendation on how we thought company X should spend its social and charity donation money.
Anyways, I knew that I screwed up on the case study – one hour is not enough to process that much info let alone make a decision – and I may not have gone into the depth that they wanted in the interview. I knew that I could have done better, but once it was done, I was content to see what happened. In all honesty, I didn’t want the job 100% (I don’t know if I really want a job at the moment anyways) as company X is the same company my dad works for and a few other reasons, but I thought it would be nice to have the security of knowing that I have a job and company X is really a good company to work for in terms of opportunities, work environment, people and benefits.
So last night after dinner, I received this email from company X:
Thank you for your interest in pursuing a career with company X and taking the time to attend the company X Recruitment Day. We hope you found the experience to be informative and rewarding.
After careful consideration, we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a suitable position at this time. As you are most likely making important career decisions at this time, we wanted to share our decision with you as soon as possible.
I was really disappointed. I know, I didn’t really want the job, so I should be happy that I wasn’t in a position that I didn’t really want. (We all know how well my internship went.) BUT it all had to come down as personal failure.
I know “we regret to inform you that we are unable to offer you a suitable position at this time” could mean what it says – they had no positions in the areas I was interested in. However, I do know that they said that they would send out a similar email if you didn’t score high enough on the company X Recruitment Day activities. So does that mean I failed it? If I didn’t pass this one, what’s to say that I would pass another company’s rounds of interviewing? I’d like to think that I am a fairly smart person as I did very well in school and that I’m personable and overall a desirable employee, but apparently not. So, I’m more disappointed in myself than in not getting the job.
Of course, for me, this leads to all types of catastrophic thinking – what if I’m not supposed to be an engineer? What if I’m supposed to do something else? But then I ask myself and God: “Why the heck did you make me so smart and able to do this engineering thing if I’m never going to use it?!” Don’t get me wrong, I know that you have to be intelligent and generally with it to do well in things like photography or baking, but it’s a different kind of smartness than getting a 3.8/4.0 GPA in your final year of engineering.
I know logically just because I didn’t get the job in my first go at interviewing since I started looking for jobs mid September, but I feel like I should have gotten it even just to prove to myself that I’m worthwhile and desirable. I know that God is most likely using this situation so that I can become aware of and work on changing my poor attitudes towards getting a job. I know this is a case where I should define my identity based on what God thinks of me and not on my behaviour or performance. I know I should be glad that I’m not getting into anything that I may not like in the end. I know that it means that when I get a job people will know me for me, not my dad. I know that in this market I should be happy that I’ve had a job interview especially since I really haven’t been looking that hard. But why do I feel like I’m a personal failure because of this?
I guess on the bright side I don’t have to worry about not being able to go to counselling or my next photography class because of work.
How do you deal with personal disappointments?