Holy man, so much has happened in the last week. I haven’t really posted anything because I’ve been so emotionally volatile and I didn’t want to do or say anything rash.
As you know, or at least I’m pretending that you know, I had my psychiatrist’s appointment last Wednesday. He told me that I would be “okay” and that I wasn’t crazy. Terribly helpful, that. Later that afternoon, I had probably one of the most difficult counseling sessions yet, leaving me incredibly emotionally vulnerable.
So in this week I had:
- 2 panic attacks – one from stupid icing (more on this later) and homework assignment not working and the other from Vista to XP conversion angst messing up my assignment and our printer running out of ink shortly before I needed to leave.
- Feelings that I needed to escape or run away all week. I’m definitely a flight person.
- Went on a cleaning rampage of my house.
- Wrote 30 pages in my journal.
- Couldn’t stop eating for two days. I mean literally, I couldn’t stop. It’s not a good thing as all I was thinking was “you need to be eating less! Think about how fat you’re going to get if you don’t stop!” which doesn’t really help. It probably also doesn’t help that the psychiatrist told me that one of my medications was “going to make me gain weight” and that stressed me out, which causes me to eat. Any ideas how to get out of that cycle?
- Walked 10 kilometers to try to get away, only to be more anxious when I returned.
I was supposed to have my next counseling session tomorrow, but he had to cancel it and move it ahead to this afternoon. Isn’t it funny when God knows what you need and does it right away? We talked about letting go, surrendering all hurt, fear and shame to him and renouncing those feelings and filling them with the truth. Truth that I am a wonderful person and I am meant to be joyful. Truth that it doesn’t matter what other people think of you, for God’s opinion is the one that only matters. All you have to do is follow his rules which are: “Love your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbour as yourself.” (Incidentally, Sabrina actually talked about something similar today, which I think is really neat!)
When we were going through some of my shameful memories and letting go, I felt like a window had opened in my heart. (Like the ones on those european 4-5 storey buildings with shudders.) Like finally the light was starting to peer into the dark, musty and dusty room of my soul. I’m no where near done and that room is still quite dark, but it’s freeing to even have a small amount of weight taken out of my proverbial backpack.
What are you letting go of?