Daily Archives: January 22, 2009

4am Ramblings

Yes, unfortunately it is 4 am in the morning. I woke up after a bizarre dream at about 3 and haven’t been able to get back to sleep since. So, I thought that I would come and write some random things (hopefully) for your reading enjoyment. Or at least have a semi-good rant to get some things off my chest.

Theoretically my new lappy is going to be in today. I’m not really keeping my hopes up after my other previous experience.

I’ve determined that any type of sleeping medication and myself = very bad day. For example, this weekend I took the latest medicinal attempt to get me to sleep and I ended up almost fainting, with extreme low blood pressure (ie. I couldn’t get out of bed without pretty much collapsing) and the stomach flu. So I guess that means that I’m going to have to find other ways to make myself relax and sleep. Any suggestions?

I have also determined that I want to be heard and held, not fixed. That does mean that it’s going to be a painful next while and I deal through emotions and events. But I guess it’s worth it to find out who you are and to actually live instead of just survive.

I guess one of the main thing that is bothering me at this moment (except perhaps that I’m dealing with a lot of denied and repression emotions) is that I’m having to do this presentation to potential future interns about why they should want to work at my work. I’m finding it really difficult because my experience at my work hasn’t been the best and so any positive experience is seemingly a lie. I do understand that other people do and can really enjoy working there, I just don’t. My counselor suggested just to fake it, which I’m usually quite proficient at doing, but this time it just seems to hard. It’s easy enough to lie to one or two people but what about 20 or 30? And then you have to keep up the lie. But on the other hand, I do want to give my work a good review as other people could find it really rewarding and I want to keep my job.

It probably doesn’t help that all I can think about when I’m brainstorming for this presentation is the President of the company asking me after my final presentation why I don’t want to come back and work for this company. (I don’t know if he will, but I’m pretty sure that he asked one of last year’s intern’s that when she didn’t decide to come back.) What would I say? “Yes, Mr. President of Company, I became severely depressed while working here and I’d really love to relive that whole experience in a year from now!” I think I do a good enough job of putting myself through mental torture and I don’t need that again. Ugh.

So, does anyone have any suggestions on how to fake my way through this presentation without turning into (more of) a basket case? Any help is greatly appreciated.


Filed under Life, Thoughts